I’m not sure what it is about September. For me, it’s always been a time of uncomfortable emotions and tearful soul searching. Now don’t get me wrong. I adore autumn. Especially in its early stages, when it’s still warm without the humidity, and everything is richer to me. The leaves on the trees, the clouds in the sky, the scents in the air, and there even seems to be a golden glow that surrounds everything. It’s a magical time, really. Like winter is coming but not quite yet, and nature is having its last dance before settling in for the long winter ahead.
Although I love these beautiful fall days, it seems to stir something deep inside me, and while I’m sitting on the back porch taking in all of its beauty, my soul seems to be desperate to jump out of my body. Ferociously. Like something inside is saying, “Are you happy, Jodie? Because if you were you wouldn’t be feeling this way. Now you think about that.” And suddenly I feel like drastic changes must be made. What kind of changes though, I have no idea. You’d think I’d figure something out of these seasonal feelings by now, but no. All I’ve noticed is, that they make me think of where I am in my life and where I’d like to be, and all of this thinking kind of steals the magic of the season from me.
So I try to find out what isn’t working. I sit out there. Listening to the creek and watch the dragonflies and the butterflies play, and I listen to the breeze rustle the leaves like paper and what am I doing? I’m thinking. I’m thinking about an issue or issues in my life that may or may not exist, and the only break I’m taking from this is when I notice something around me and say, “That bird/bee/squirrel/duck is really lucky to not have to worry about these things,” or I notice the geese flying in that oh-so-depressing V formation overhead and I get a bit teary-eyed because they are going someplace warm, and I am not. Because most of the time, when I’m done thinking about whatever, the season has changed and it’s time to shift gears to my inevitable winter sadness.
I’d really like to enjoy September this year. It’s almost over, but still. Maybe my annual over thinking fest is trying to teach me something. Over thinking leads to chaos and when I think, I create stories of what my life is and what I haven’t done or will never do. I’m beginning to realize that most of these stories are fiction, and my mind is a very talented writer. All of this soul searching can be done any time. Uncomfortable emotions can be felt any time. Until now, I’ve always decided to tackle them during my favorite season of the year, and also the shortest. I think I do this because summer is over and I’m not ready for it, and winter is coming and I’m not ready for that either. That’s not very in-the-moment of me, is it? I always strive to be in the moment but I rarely ever am. I sure like to pretend I am though.
So, I’m going to get out there and enjoy this last gorgeous week of September. If any changes need to be made in my life, I’m sure the universe will let me know loud and clear. Until I get those messages, I’m going to try to just be. I’m going to be in the presence of this beautiful season in all its glory. In the moment. Finally. Sometimes nothing has to be figured out, and that makes me very happy. It should make me happy. I had to do a lot of over thinking to figure this all out. I guess it had its purpose after all. <3