I consider myself a very spiritual person. I’ve developed my own belief system over the years, and it’s been a blessing and a curse. I’m self-aware. I know where my issues come from and I deal with them on a daily basis.
Before I became this person, I would believe that someone that is “spiritual” would have figured it all out. Like they are calm and loving at all times and they carry love and light wherever they go. Things are easier for them. They smile because they want to, because they are genuinely happy and nothing can hurt them. They’re spiritual, after all. They get it.
Well, the hard truth is that I know now that it’s not always like that. In fact, I feel that people like me have more difficulties in life. We are always thinking. About everything. Why do I do what I do? What can I do about it? Where did this come from? Sometimes it’s much easier to blame someone else, and carry on. But we don’t. We want to make ourselves better. We want to make our relationships better. Everything stems from within us, and it’s our responsibility to fix it. It’s exhausting at times. I can only speak for myself, but what a relief it would be to blame someone for everything, so it wouldn’t be all on me. But that’s not who I am. I’m fixing me. Always. fixing me.
I read things all the time from wise and enlightened ones, that tell me to live in the moment. To just be. Is that even possible? When I worry about my future, am I not supposed to? Does this mean I’m not spiritual? Am I wrong?
People like me struggle everyday to be better. We don’t blame others for our feelings, so we become doormats at times. We are open and honest with who we are and own our feelings, so it’s easy for people to take advantage of that. When we open up to someone and take personal responsibility for our feelings and our actions, no one knows what to do with it. It’s often seen as manipulative. Because that’s all anyone knows. And we are the ones dealing with those judgements. “Let it go” doesn’t really help then. Opening up to someone in that way takes raw courage. At least for me. Having that dismissed or rejected is like a punch in the chest.
Spirituality is different for everyone. Some are more sensitive than others. Some of us feel others’ feelings and take them on as our own. Our bad moods you find us in might not have anything to do with us. Are you standing near us and feeling conflicted or grouchy? It might be coming from you. Are you insecure and trying to overcompensate in some way? I can feel it. I feel your sadness, your worry, and your insecurity as if it were my own. Being in my head is a full time job. I should really get a paycheck for that.
I wouldn’t change these crazy daily experiences for anything, but it doesn’t mean that it’s easy. I’m constantly looking for guidance and ways I can deal with it all better. Sometimes living I’m the moment isn’t possible. I’m human, after all. I just need to “let it go” and be ok with it, but I can’t.
I’m spiritually exhausted 🙂