Spirituality is kicking my ass

I consider myself a very spiritual person. I’ve developed my own belief system over the years, and it’s been a blessing and a curse. I’m self-aware. I know where my issues come from and I deal with them on a daily basis.

Before I became this person, I would believe that someone that is “spiritual” would have figured it all out. Like they are calm and loving at all times and they carry love and light wherever they go. Things are easier for them. They smile because they want to, because they are genuinely happy and nothing can hurt them. They’re spiritual, after all. They get it.

Well, the hard truth is that I know now that it’s not always like that. In fact, I feel that people like me have more difficulties in life. We are always thinking. About everything. Why do I do what I do? What can I do about it? Where did this come from? Sometimes it’s much easier to blame someone else, and carry on. But we don’t. We want to make ourselves better. We want to make our relationships better. Everything stems from within us, and it’s our responsibility to fix it. It’s exhausting at times. I can only speak for myself, but what a relief it would be to blame someone for everything, so it wouldn’t be all on me. But that’s not who I am. I’m fixing me. Always. fixing me.

I read things all the time from wise and enlightened ones, that tell me to live in the moment. To just be. Is that even possible? When I worry about my future, am I not supposed to? Does this mean I’m not spiritual? Am I wrong?

People like me struggle everyday to be better. We don’t blame others for our feelings, so we become doormats at times. We are open and honest with who we are and own our feelings, so it’s easy for people to take advantage of that. When we open up to someone and take personal responsibility for our feelings and our actions, no one knows what to do with it. It’s often seen as manipulative. Because that’s all anyone knows. And we are the ones dealing with those judgements. “Let it go” doesn’t really help then. Opening up to someone in that way takes raw courage. At least for me. Having that dismissed or rejected is like a punch in the chest.

Spirituality is different for everyone. Some are more sensitive than others. Some of us feel others’ feelings and take them on as our own. Our bad moods you find us in might not have anything to do with us. Are you standing near us and feeling conflicted or grouchy? It might be coming from you. Are you insecure and trying to overcompensate in some way? I can feel it. I feel your sadness, your worry, and your insecurity as if it were my own. Being in my head is a full time job. I should really get a paycheck for that.

I wouldn’t change these crazy daily experiences for anything, but it doesn’t mean that it’s easy. I’m constantly looking for guidance and ways I can deal with it all better. Sometimes living I’m the moment isn’t possible. I’m human, after all. I just need to “let it go” and be ok with it, but I can’t.

I’m spiritually exhausted 🙂

I want you to want me

I’ve always wanted someone, and I’ve wanted them to want me just as much. I remember being 5 years old in kindergarten and being “in love” with some boy. I was always in love. This continued into my teens and into adulthood. My thoughts always revolved around someone else. Some boy, or guy, or man that would appear and make everything ok.

I was a fragile child with issues. My parents wanted me to be taken care of, and I sensed this. I couldn’t possibly take care of myself, so I looked for a man to take care of me. It didn’t work. I chose men that were equally as messed up as me, and even the one that was “successful” was verbally and emotionally abusive. He was financially successful, but in every other way, not so much. I’d have to be broken in order for me to realize that it wasn’t right.

Fast forward to now. I’ve been married 3 times. Each time, I was filled with hope, like somehow it would be different, but it wasn’t. And the reason why was me. How could things work if I expected someone to save me? That’s a lot to ask of someone. And it doesn’t work. No one could save me. It wasn’t their job. It was mine.

So here I am. I’m married to Steve, who has turned into a dear friend and nothing more, and I’m in a wonderful romantic relationship with Lee, who loves me and treats me well and he’s what I’ve wished for. A few years ago, I’d run from this marriage and dive head first into domestic bliss with Lee. But I’m changing. And I think it’s finally breaking the cycle.

I’d really like to find a rewarding career that enables me to take care of myself, as well as living on my own for a while. I’d like to have my own bed, where I can watch TV until I fall asleep and sleep all night with my animals next to me. I want to wake up and have coffee and watch Frasier until I have to go to work. I can do these things now, but on my own, it would mean something.

I’ve learned that as wonderful as marriage is, it isn’t for me. At least right now. It doesn’t mean security and it doesn’t guarantee it will last forever. And being in love is wonderful, but it changes when life is involved. I wasn’t prepared for that.

Being in love with love is a part of who I am. I’ll never give up on that. However, being almost 41 years old, it’s time for me to grow up. Relying on another doesn’t work. It’s time for me to take care of myself and focus on my own goals instead of shaping my life around someone else.

I’m still in love. I still believe in it. And I think that living my own life and following my own heart will only make that love better. It’s something I’ve never tried before. It’s worth a shot.

Life, death, and the lessons they bring

Yesterday began like any other day. It was a glorious day off and my morning consisted of coffee and Frasier on the Hallmark Channel. I’m always surrounded by animals. My two dogs, Missy and Charlie, my cat Oliver, and Vincent B’nofrio aka Vinny the bunny. I spent the morning laughing at Vinny, because his new favorite hobby was pulling books off the bookshelf and chewing in the book covers. His book of choice today was “Soul Coaching.” He’s rambunctious. He’s feisty and has an attitude. He’s litter box trained, so instead of being in a cage, the house is his domain. Especially the kitchen. Don’t mess with that place. It’s his.

While he was munching on this book, I snapped a photo with my phone, but deleted it shortly after. I regret that now.

Later that evening, things were normal in this crazy house. Vinny was relaxing, stretched out on the kitchen floor, and it was time for the dogs to go out. Missy, was a bit excited to go outside and she was leaping around the kitchen. With one leap, she landed on Vinny, and somehow broke his neck. Within 5 minutes, he was gone.

A horrible freak accident. After it was over, Steve and I just stood there with our hands covering our mouths and speechless. I can cry at every little thing, and I couldn’t shed a tear. They just wouldn’t come. We sat there in silence after a cherished member of our family was taken from us in a matter of minutes. It was overwhelming.

As reality set in and the emotions came through, I allowed myself to be with them. I called in to work today, and just took the day to deal with this sudden and tragic loss. I cried. I texted my dear friend Simone, and we talked. I went to visit my partner Lee, and he made me coffee and he held me while I cried.

When I got home, I saw Vinny’s empty cage with his full bowl of food and the apple slice I gave him for breakfast, and I began to realize something about his death that was much bigger than my grief.

Things like this happen everyday. Horrible freak accidents that take loved ones away. Maybe not from us, but we hear about them. On the news, online, in the paper. Car accidents. Ski accidents, suicide. Random accidents. Every person that dies has someone that is affected by their loss. And the people left behind are grieving and blaming themselves: “I should have been there more,” “I should have kept in touch,” “I should have reached out.”
We get caught up in the everyday stuff and blame ourselves for something. Anything and everything. It’s all on our shoulders. And this is where the wake up call came in.

Vinny was a bunny. And I loved him with all of my heart. Since I never had children, my animals have been my family. I treat them that way, and they do the same in return. What happened to him last night turned my world upside down. But it woke me up too. A freak accident could happen to anyone I love. It could be my mom or my dad, my sister or my brother. You’ll never know. This experience has thrown me head first into this reality, and it’s changing how I think about things. If something suddenly happened to my sister and I lost her, would I be thinking, “Well, I’m still pissed off about….?” No. I’d be thinking, “We wasted all that time. Shit.”

So I’m taking this lesson that my sweet Vinny taught me today, and I’m going to appreciate the life I’m living and those who are with me on this journey. Every moment. All it takes is 5 minutes and it could all disappear.

I love you, Vin. You made me love and laugh. And you taught me more than I expected. Thank you <3