I’m bringing spirit back

I always had a vision of myself in my head. The person I always wanted to be. A couple of years ago, I was almost there. I was spiritual. Not in the organized religion sense, but I had found what worked for me. The angst of my past was slowly fading away, and I was no longer angry. My spirit was lighter. I wanted to reach out to people, and help them if I could. I smiled more. I was still making poor decisions, but I was working my way out of them. I looked back on this vision of myself and said, “Wow. I think I’m there.” It was a good feeling.

Then life happened. A series of events shook me, and they left me questioning my worth. I found that me just being me was a problem, and I started to doubt everything I had learned. Maybe I was a bad person, I didn’t know. Suddenly, everything I thought I knew was a memory. I felt defeated and unworthy of anything good. “I’m sorry” was what I said the most. I cried all the time. Some good things were happening, but part of me was dead. The part I had fought so hard to find.

Everything bothered me. People looking for someone to listen to them exhausted me. I completely derailed and I couldn’t deal with anyone else’s problems. I smiled less. Everything and everyone hurt me. I wanted to crawl somewhere and hide. I had no idea what was happening to me. I avoided places where I knew people, because I didn’t have the energy to talk to them.

This is how I am now, to be honest. And I really don’t like it. That’s why I’ve decided to make some changes.

I miss my old self. Not the one with all the issues, but my lighter, more open self. I mean, I can’t take on everyone’s problems anymore like I did, but I’d like to be there if someone wants to talk. I’d like to feel free again, and I have found that I’d like my spirit back, please.

So, I’m finding the little things I used to love. My spirituality, nature, and the simple act of lighting a candle or a stick of incense. These things keep me in the moment. A place where everyone should be.

I’m taking care of myself again. Saying what I need, and hoping the people I love will want me to be happy and want my spirit back too. I’ve never asked for much from anyone, but I’ve also realized that my standards were way too low. I still don’t ask for much. Just to have my needs respected. And to be loved for who I am. I’ve learned that I’m really not so bad.

I’m currently crawling out of this negativity, and it’s as much hurtful and angering as it is wonderful. The fact that life events and people can shatter me, is a hard pill to swallow. That’s life, though, and I must be prepared for more. It’s a never ending fight.

So I’m going to light a candle now and set an intention for my future. I know what hurt me before, and now I know better. I can keep doing what I’m doing regardless of what happens around me.

That’s easy to say. I’m hoping it sticks <3

How do you tell someone how to parent when you’re not a parent?

I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life. Tons. But one thing I was sure of and stuck to, was that I wouldn’t have kids. It was a conscious decision. I’ve thought about it. Even so much that I traded my beloved green Honda Del Sol in for a Kia Sephia, thinking it would be better to have a backseat for a child. Well, it never happened, and I’m forever grateful. I miss my car though.

I have toyed with the idea of having children, but I knew I’d never be able to provide for them, financially or emotionally. I had a hard enough time taking care of myself, and I remembered all too well what a troubled family can do to someone. My parents fought all the time. About issues that had nothing to do with me, but it affected me. My mom had her way of raising me, and my dad had another. They were both inconsistent in their discipline, and I got on to that quickly. I’d get in trouble and I’d be grounded for a month. I knew if I behaved for a day, they’d back off. Tada! I wasn’t grounded anymore. I was a troubled kid, but I wasn’t an idiot. I learned how to play the game.

And this was the 80’s. I got my mall privileges taken away. I got my phone privileges taken. Now it’s much more complex. There’s technology and…well, there’s technology. Take away a kid’s iPad today, and it’s like taking away air. How does one live without that? It’s much easier to give in. To let things go.

At times, I think I had a pretty rough upbringing. But I also learned boundaries and respect, and that the world didn’t revolve around me. That’s real life, after all.

So my parents weren’t consistent in their discipline. But they taught me respect for others and that the world wasn’t going to cater to me. They were right. It doesn’t.

It’s hard for me to see parents not help their kids by enabling them. I had my share of that. My mom babied me. My dad didn’t. But kids find loopholes and work them. I know I did.

So when I see parents now enabling their kids, I see it as taking away their power. What’s easiest for the parent isn’t necessarily what’s best for the child. I say this not as a parent, but someone who remembers this. I ate what was made for dinner. I respected that the living room was my parent’s place. If I wanted to play, I’d go to my room. If I wanted to socialize, I’d come out. That wasn’t traumatizing for me. I knew I didn’t rule the roost. No one does.

I think it’s sad that parents have to give up so much of themselves today. There are no boundaries. No “go play in your room” time like there was when I was growing up. Everything revolves around the kids, and the adult relationships suffer. And if the adult relationships suffer, what good is that to the kids? No boundaries, no respect, and that doesn’t help anyone.

So when I talk about parents and kids, it’s not as a parent, but as someone who knows what it’s like to be a kid. Rules are good. Consistent rules. Boundaries are good. Consistent boundaries. Just because you’re a parent, doesn’t mean you give up your rights as a human being. If you lose yourself, what is that telling them? < 3

The life of an Empath

I’ve felt things deeply from a very young age. But I won’t get into all of that. The history is boring. Today, it’s not so boring.

I realized I was an Empath a couple of years ago. I felt everything. I took everyone’s feelings on as my own, but I didn’t realize it at the time. It was and still is hell at times.

If I’m in the same room with you, I feel what you’re feeling. You’re looking for attention, I know you are. You’re lying about something, I know. I’m not sure why I know these things, but I do. It’s both a blessing and a curse.

People don’t realize who they’re dealing with really, when it comes to an Empath. Don’t underestimate me. I understand people’s motives in every situation.

Being an Empath makes everyday life difficult. I absorb everything around me. I’m sensitive to my environment and the people in it. I need things calm for me to be ok, and that is almost impossible. I’ve learned how to deal with that, but it’s still hard.

I’m pretty open about myself. I’m not shy about talking about my anxiety or bipolar issues. I feel proud that I can share these things openly, even though I know that in the real world, people take advantage of that. They see these things as weaknesses. They are, really. But it takes a lot to admit them. Being an Empath is kind of the same. But no one knows what that means.

What sucks is when someone tries to feed me bullshit, and I have to pretend to believe it. In my head I’m saying, “Are you serious? I’m supposed to believe this?” But I have to pretend that I do. Especially from authority figures.

Also the “Why aren’t we friends on Facebook anymore?” Um. Because I know you, and I don’t trust you.

Empaths are rare. Life isn’t easy for us, but it is what it is. I love being able to feel things so deeply. It’s truly a blessing. It’s hard sometimes, but I wouldn’t change it for anything.

I’m stating here that I am an Empath. Those that know me should respect that, and also realize that I can see through bullshit.

You’re not dealing with an idiot. Just so you know πŸ™‚

Have a wonderful evening πŸ™‚

I’m tired of saying I’m sorry

I feel it takes a great amount of courage to take responsibility for our own faults. Most of the people I know blame everyone else. I don’t. I own my
problems and the damage they’ve caused in my life. But enough is enough. It’s done. I’ve found that if you take responsibility, people feed on that, and blame you for everything. And we get caught up in that. We end up saying “I’m sorry” more than we should.

If I’ve hurt anyone, I’ve apologized. But I’ve hurt myself worse. And I’ve continued to beat myself up day after day. I’m over that now.

I realized tonight that the life I’m living is one big apology. Like I have to prove to everyone that I’m different than I once was. This takes away my power, and I have become damned powerful. I’ve gone from being the drunk girl looking for attention, to a self-aware grown woman. I’m improving myself everyday. But for myself. Not for you. No more apologies. I’m working on being better. Are you?
πŸ™‚

Well, I was in a good mood….

Today was going well. It really was. It was sunny and warm, and I was happy. Since I never know how I’m going to feel from day to day, I was enjoying this happiness very much. I was basking in the sunshine, driving with the top down, singing to the radio, when I decided to stop at Barnes & Noble. I needed a trip to the New Age section to find a new read.

After I found the perfect book, I headed to the checkout line. There was one cashier, and the woman ahead of me was at the register. I listened to their conversation, and it was like this:

“Do you have a Barnes & Noble membership?
“No”
“Well, you should sign up”
“No, not today”
“Are you sure? You could save $7”
“No”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes”
*Very judgmental sounding* Welp, okaaay, your total is $80 then..”

I know how this feels. This has happened to me many times. However, I wasn’t in the mood for it today. I turned around to get out of line, and there happened to be a woman in line behind me, annoyed that I almost ran into her. It was because she was practically standing on top of me, but ok. No personal space boundaries there. Of course, this added to the whole annoying experience.

I went to the cafe, and I ordered a chai just so I could check out there. It seems pretty pathetic, I know. But jeeze. Why is it that I can’t go anywhere without dealing with intrusive behavior, people invading personal space, or just rudeness in general? I admit I’m more sensitive than most. I am affected a great deal by the emotions and behavior of those around me. This isn’t anyone’s fault, and I don’t expect people to cater to me. But just basic human kindness and courtesy would be nice. I don’t think that’s asking too much.
No, I don’t have a Barnes & Noble membership. And I can’t sign up at this moment, since I just bought a book and I can’t spare an extra $20 right now. If I say no, I have reasons for that and they aren’t your business. Just let me shop I’m your store, please.

I finally left, and got on with my day. I had a new book, it was still sunny, and I had the top down, and I was singing to the radio again.

Some days, situations like this ruin my day. They can be pretty insignificant to most, but for me they’re a pretty big deal. Whether it’s a pushy salesperson, or a bitchy woman in the checkout line, it shows me that the world is harsh. Everyone is going through their own crap. Salespeople are pressured by their bosses to sell, sell, sell, and maybe the woman behind me in line had a horrible day too. It’s easy for me to say this now, but at the time, I’m convinced that people are just assholes. I must admit, that’s what I believe most of the time.

I hate that it has to be like this, but I still have to get out there. I can try my hardest to be sympathetic to rude people and why they do the things they do, but in reality, I’ll be bitching to myself and saying what inconsiderate asses they are. It might not be fair, but they messed with my day, dammit!

Maybe I should shop online

Mr. Sugarman

About a year ago, I was spending a very slow day at work waiting for something to do, when an older man walked in. He was something else, alright. Tall, disheveled, with what seemed to be an intrusive energy that frankly freaked me out. As he was checking in, I tried to slink away. “Oh please don’t let it be my turn,” I said to myself over and over, knowing that this would be a very uncomfortable 20 minutes I’d have to bear. I wasn’t sure I could deal with him.

Sure enough, it was my turn. Dammit. Oh well. This will be over soon.

The second he sat in my chair, he cracked a joke of some sort. He had a sense of humor. This instantly helped me soften my guard. After only a few minutes, I found that he not only had a sense of humor, but he was witty and charming, and very friendly. As I became more comfortable, which was pretty much immediately, we started chatting. Turned out he was a Philosophy Professor at The University of Vermont. We talked about how he used to teach at Princeton, and about his Jewish faith, and he asked about me too. It was a couple of days before my 40th birthday and I told him I was struggling with it. He said something to the effect of, “You met me for a reason today. Because you’re having a hard time. 40 is hard. But just wait til you get to 41. It’s much easier.”

A haircut that should have lasted 20 minutes quickly turned into an hour as we talked some more about pretty much everything. Religion, spirituality, my neglected acting career, as well as his past and his amazing stories. When he finally left, I felt like I was saying goodbye to an old friend.

That was a year ago, and I’m happy to say, he’s been a regular client ever since. He only comes in once every three months or so, but when I see his name on my schedule I just beam with joy. He bounds in the door and takes control of the room, and I probably still spend an hour with him.

We still talk about everything. He has invited me to sit in on one of his lectures, which I haven’t done yet, but I plan to. “I can tell you’re a bit afraid to,” he says, and he’s right. I told him that I practice level II reiki, and he’s let me practice on him. When he leaves, he says he feels 20 years younger and calls me “The Mystical Barber.” He does more for me, though. His positive energy and personality energize me, and to be honest, the thing I like most about him is that he is unapologetically himself.

When I look back on that day we met, I’m ashamed of myself for how I judged him so quickly. I assumed he would be a problem, but he turned out to be one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met.

Throughout my life, I’ve often been judged too quickly, and it’s been hurtful. And here I was, doing the same thing. It’s funny how I became so defensive and so closed off to someone I thought might be different than me. It was a lesson learned that I carry with me now. A lesson he taught me without even knowing it.

So, these are the times when I love my job. Meeting people like him. It’s rare for sure, but it’s enough to shake me up and humble me. Just when I think I’m intuitive enough to sense the essence of a person at first glance, I could be dead wrong, and I was.

I am thankful Mr. Sugarman walked into my life that day, and I’m thinking the next time I see him, I’ll tell him so πŸ™‚