I always had a vision of myself in my head. The person I always wanted to be. A couple of years ago, I was almost there. I was spiritual. Not in the organized religion sense, but I had found what worked for me. The angst of my past was slowly fading away, and I was no longer angry. My spirit was lighter. I wanted to reach out to people, and help them if I could. I smiled more. I was still making poor decisions, but I was working my way out of them. I looked back on this vision of myself and said, “Wow. I think I’m there.” It was a good feeling.
Then life happened. A series of events shook me, and they left me questioning my worth. I found that me just being me was a problem, and I started to doubt everything I had learned. Maybe I was a bad person, I didn’t know. Suddenly, everything I thought I knew was a memory. I felt defeated and unworthy of anything good. “I’m sorry” was what I said the most. I cried all the time. Some good things were happening, but part of me was dead. The part I had fought so hard to find.
Everything bothered me. People looking for someone to listen to them exhausted me. I completely derailed and I couldn’t deal with anyone else’s problems. I smiled less. Everything and everyone hurt me. I wanted to crawl somewhere and hide. I had no idea what was happening to me. I avoided places where I knew people, because I didn’t have the energy to talk to them.
This is how I am now, to be honest. And I really don’t like it. That’s why I’ve decided to make some changes.
I miss my old self. Not the one with all the issues, but my lighter, more open self. I mean, I can’t take on everyone’s problems anymore like I did, but I’d like to be there if someone wants to talk. I’d like to feel free again, and I have found that I’d like my spirit back, please.
So, I’m finding the little things I used to love. My spirituality, nature, and the simple act of lighting a candle or a stick of incense. These things keep me in the moment. A place where everyone should be.
I’m taking care of myself again. Saying what I need, and hoping the people I love will want me to be happy and want my spirit back too. I’ve never asked for much from anyone, but I’ve also realized that my standards were way too low. I still don’t ask for much. Just to have my needs respected. And to be loved for who I am. I’ve learned that I’m really not so bad.
I’m currently crawling out of this negativity, and it’s as much hurtful and angering as it is wonderful. The fact that life events and people can shatter me, is a hard pill to swallow. That’s life, though, and I must be prepared for more. It’s a never ending fight.
So I’m going to light a candle now and set an intention for my future. I know what hurt me before, and now I know better. I can keep doing what I’m doing regardless of what happens around me.
That’s easy to say. I’m hoping it sticks <3