That’s not me!

It seems that I’ve always had to prove to people that I’m a good person. I am, but I’m not someone to be loved by everyone. I’ve been through a lot, like most people, and I’m dealing with it all. My past isn’t pretty, but if I ask anyone, they all have shit they’d like to change. I hate it when someone says they have no regrets. That’s bullshit. I have regrets, and I’m not ashamed to say so. I would love to go back and do things differently. But I can’t, so I’m here now. And I’m trying to do better everyday. I fail all the time. I have negative thoughts. I swear all the time. I get defensive. And I beat myself up for that. But everyday I wake up and try to do things differently. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. But I’ve learned to take it as it goes. I still beat myself up though.

I absorb everything. I live and breathe emotions. When I walk out the door everyday, I feel like my feelings are written on my body, like everyone can see, and it’s overwhelming at times. My soul is out there. I can see something as simple as someone walking their dog, and it makes me cry. I notice everything, from the sunrise on my way to work, to someone sharing a smile with me. These beautiful things are all around, everyday, everywhere. I get disheartened at times, when the ego rears its head, and I get caught up in daily shit. Rude people in traffic, people scowling in the grocery store. When I smile at someone and it’s not returned. I become a part of it all.

I get negative. It messes me up. I’m an emotional and spiritual being, yet it’s so easy for me to get caught up in life, and hate everything just like everyone else does. Hate breeds hate. I’m guilty of contributing to that. I’m not proud of that, and I don’t want to continue feeling this way. How can a spiritual person get caught up in the chaos? Who knows. All I know, is that I’m aware that I have work to do. I read all the time. I find inspiration from amazing people. Yet I still get caught up in negativity.

I would really like to start practicing what I believe. All the time, and not just when I’m a good mood. It’s a daily struggle. People’s judgements, their bad moods, and their high expectations of me weigh on me. I know I need to let that go. It’s hard for me. It would be hard for anyone. Those things are heavy on my mind. So heavy that it outweighs everything else. My spirituality goes out the fucking window.

Deep down, I know things are ok. I can’t help being emotional, because that’s who I am. I feel everything, and I must learn that’s not always a bad thing. I just need to pay more attention to the good things I feel, and not the bad so much.

I’m moved by seeing an elderly woman walking her little dog. So what? I noticed this and I appreciate it. So, I’m mesmerized by the sunrise everyday. I’m a night owl. I don’t experience sunrises too often. I cry. A lot. Not always because I’m sad, but sometimes because I’m overwhelmed and awestruck by the beauty around me.

I’m not the person that gets sucked into the negativity of everyday life. What I really am is someone that notices everything. And I feel everything. Some things that others never see. I’m no longer going to apologize for being emotional.

It’s time for me to start walking my talk. I’m going to do it ☺️

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